Wednesday, March 18, 2009
Can I talk with you for a minute? It starts out innocently enough, our invitation to a conversation with our spouse or significant other. Whats behind door number one, two, or three or the perception of which can be the reason why we don't seem to get resolutions to our issues or we feel like we haven't accomplished anything in the process. Have you ever had that conversation with a spouse that seemed to take an hour but then just kind of faded into exhaustion without a real solution, compromise, or resolution. I think if we're honest we all have at one time or another. The question is how do you communicate to the one's you love? Do you have a structure in place that's promotes value and security or do you just fire away with all guns blazing without warning . You see for us to communicate properly we need a few things to happen.
1. We need to feel safe to share anything and everything. That means without fear or repercussions. (security,trust)
2. We need to know that the person we are talking to is listening. (concerned,engaged)
3. We need to know they understand what we are saying and empathize with us. (validation,value)
If you don't have an enviorment that these principles are present then odds are you haven't heard the entire story. The deeper issues that usually involve pain or hurt feelings that have never been worked through are still present and they tend to grow when unresolved. We tend to enter into our conversation with emotional overload which can stifle anything good coming out of the conversation or any reasonable conclusion. We just create more issues to now resolve. When this takes place usually one emotionally charged person starts a conversation that quickly spirals out of control. This happens mostly because there is a track record of miscommunication, lack of communication, or lack of responsibility for past conversations that have taken place.
We have a choice to make. We can work on our communication skills or we can continue in our state of denial, believing that we never argue or skirt tough issues because they are uncomfortable to talk about. Undoubtedly at some point we just quit trying to talk about certain subject matters because they have led to only negative consequences and an unfavorable result. This is not the way it should be. I hope that you will take this this to heart and put these tips into practice. They can only make your communication more meaningful and your relationships stronger leading to happier more fullfilling life. I have given you a basic structure for meaningful communication now here are some tip that should help also.
1. No water works or crying tyrades
2. No 3rd party opinions are to be brought in to the conversation
3. Refrain from being sarcastic( I know someone is saying that's just how I talk or that's the way I am. (Sorry. It's a choice and if you hurt your loved one's feelings is that worth it.)
4. No threats or ultimatums
5. Don't expect him to read your mind. Guys let her know you understand how she feels.
6. Use only words that build up not tear down. If there were no mistakes in life, we wouldn't learn anything and wouldn't grow.
7. Establish a specific time and proper place for your conversation. (where kids can't here you.)
8. I also recommend a time for family stuff and a time for your relationship stuff and not the same day.
If you have any questions or would like to discuss your unique circumstances you can comment anonymously or reply by email. It will not be posted to the blog unless you authorize it. Thank You and God Bless!